The Importance of Listening
How often do you have this feeling, that you are talking to a wall? That whatever you say – people don’t listen? How often were you on the receiving end, when you listened, but then received nothing when you were the one talking? If the answer is “often”, then welcome to the club. In this text, we will talk about the importance of listening and being listened to, and how freeing it is to meet those who know how to do it.
This article was written by two authors who grew up in an abusive environment, and while we know that some families are gentle and caring, for us, it was not like that. This is our side of the world, and this is why we want to talk about the importance of listening – because we grew up without knowing it. We were growing up in two very different environments, but we ended up with the same conclusion about not being listened to, but, on the other hand, being demanded to listen.
This created the very real, and hard, experience of becoming a parent to our parents, because the responsibility was placed on us in this deeply dysfunctional way. An example is when you come to your parent because you feel bad, and the moment you start speaking, the parent immediately panics and talks about not being “able to handle it.” So, the idea of being comforted changes to being told to comfort your parent, because they cannot deal with you feeling bad. Or put another way, they cannot handle you being human.
This also creates an experience of guilt for feeling bad, and this pattern can be difficult to break. Sometimes, the only way to break it is to leave the person behind and go as far away as possible. Unlike leaving abusive people behind who are not ‘family’, this can be a much longer and painful process. The familial relationship, as dysfunctional as it is, is deeper than other toxic relationships, simply because they hold positions no one else in one’s life does. Positions that are not questioned in the same way that other, potentially, abusive power positions are. So, to start questioning their agendas can be the first step out of an abusive family situation.
Another aspect of this is that other family members and those surrounding this family might have a very different, outside view on who is to blame for different behaviors when these abusive chains are broken out of. So, to become ‘the black sheep’ of a family is sometimes unavoidable, and to spend time trying to change this is probably a waste. What will not be a waste of time is to focus on how you really want to spend this time.
Dreams, visions, urges and wishes we have had, that, before, we might have thought of as ‘impossible’, can now be reevaluated in light of this new freedom. Because we are talking about inner work. A big part of this work on ourselves is to filter all the information we got from when we were children. Some of us grow up learning about how some people have more authority than we do, and it does not help our self-confidence or sense of self-worth. But there is no question of worth to us – we are invaluable.
Once we have managed to cut all ties to this toxic relationship, a phase starts, where we must unlearn different strategies which we used to survive and cope, so we could work towards being free. To unlearn strategies we have learned in order to be, at least somewhat, “validated” as a person and act freely, while never allowing anyone to ‘validate’ us like that anymore. A healthy relationship is not a business model, where we buy some bites of respect.
Do you know the feeling of the invisible pressure, whispering deep inside you that “with these people you need to behave in this way, because if you behave differently, you will be looked down upon?” If you know the feeling, then you might already be in a toxic environment, where you are not allowed to be yourself, and where you learned to say what others want to hear. Yet again, no one wants to listen to your thoughts and feelings.
From childhood, some of us learn to shape-shift, mask and please others. We are taught how some people are better than others, placed higher in an artificial hierarchy. It is time to burn those thoughts and free ourselves from that weight, because the most important person in your life is you.
Sometimes we can experience an inner voice of peace, or an inner experience of many voices that need to be quieted before we find our own. Whose voices are those, then, that we need to let go of and why? Important questions with important outcomes. Who is the final authority in our lives? If it is not ourselves, then there is reason to find out why and then change that.
Masking
Masking is a word borrowed from autism, but not exclusively connected to it. Masking can be so well learned, it almost feels wrong to stop doing it, until you realize that it really drains you. And we need energy to be ourselves – not in any precise or perfect way, but being ourselves as the deeply complex, invaluable beings we are. This is why healing, at least of a certain kind, needs to be wild, untamed, in order to break down ideas about certain structures and rules imposed by others.
If someone offers us an easy self-help course that claims “to fix your life in a few steps,” then they probably offer us a quick way to get rid of some of our money and not our problems. It is the same as removing symptoms of the pain without healing the wound. And life is, anyways, full of problems. We cannot get rid of them through some quick fix like that, but we can solve them in our own way, so our solutions correspond with our taste, our interests, passions etc.
Our worldview is shaped by values, ideas and actions we are taught from an early age. These lessons can be found in various places: home, school, clubs. They are all connected to cultural standards, gender roles and religious concepts. While they are intended to give us some insight into life and behavior, they can sometimes hinder our capacity for autonomous and critical thinking.
If we want to escape unhelpful beliefs, it is crucial that we ask ourselves difficult and uncomfortable questions. For example: “Why do I believe in this?” “What if the opposite is true?” “Who benefits from my blind faith in this?” “How would my life change if I let go of these beliefs?” These and other questions will help us determine if our views are consistent with our values and experiences, and what are our reasons for believing in different things.
These evaluations can also be called questioning one’s motives. The difference between these ways of self-questioning is that questioning our own motives allows for a free exploration of our thoughts. This is unlike the questioning that is designed by others which include many taboos, they are literally questions that are never asked, because they are invisible and feel somewhat dangerous. So, this is a real riot against censorship in every way.
Symbols
Another aspect of trying to communicate, but feeling that something is wrong, is when the person you are talking to assumes that the symbols they use are already shared and believed in by both of you. This can, for instance, be the use of the Christian idea of “love thy neighbor” in a specific way, which is taken for granted. If you do not share these symbols, this belief and so on, you do not realize what is happening, so you are left with a feeling of confusion. A feeling of not being listened to but preached to on some level. You do not share worldviews, but it is postulated from one side that you do. So further open discussion is not possible.
Innocence
Innocence means to be allowed, or even better, to be encouraged, to ask questions about life, yourself, relationships, and to not take anything for granted. In the way the term is used here, innocence is connected to not having to “explain” yourself all the time. This means being able to move and question life freely, knowing that your parents or other people act as guardians for you without questioning their position. To have a lack of innocence means we are under surveillance. We are supposed, and sometimes told, to act and question in a certain way, and very often to not question our parents. Because if we do, we will not get an adult response.
People should always insist on having free speech, free thinking and expression as inviolable rights. If we are not allowed to speak, think and express ourselves freely, we are not allowed to be ourselves. This does not imply that we can just say anything very rudely, but based on a respect for the person we are talking to, which is always rooted in self-respect.
We also need to confess to you that we were writing this text for a very long time. And we did this because it is a joyful and pleasant experience, to find someone who can see and hear us, so we spent some nights talking, instead of writing. And we really love asking one another questions, so we will now ask some of them to you as well.
What is freedom to you?
This is a question that can be answered on an ongoing basis in various situations and time periods, because the feeling of being free will depend on different things.
In which ways does this text resonate with you?
Would you like to add anything else, or do you have your own answers to previous questions that we have covered in the text? Or maybe you have questions instead? Ask! Talk to us! Let’s communicate and listen.
Rune Kjær Rasmussen
is an animist, writer, singer, and painter from Denmark.
Author of the book of poems: Kaleidoscopic Forests.
Anna Stone
is balancing a game designer job with a newly acquired passion for nature and what is beyond the restricted confines of society.