How A Dead Man Became A King
There was once, and once was not, a country that had been ruled for many years by a king who was a very bad king. He was vain and arrogant, quick to anger and to take offence, and found his amusement in the suffering and injustice that he inflicted on his subjects. Yet he grew old and, just as the humblest peasant must, he died.
He left behind many and varied problems, as bad kings will, and perhaps the greatest problem for all the nobles and courtiers was that he had died without leaving an heir. He had married several wives over the years, but none had survived long enough to bear him any children. Likewise, his many mistresses. What were they to do? A kingdom is not a kingdom unless it has a king.
Day after day, courtiers whispered together in the corridors of the royal palace. Day after day, grey-bearded advisers sat at tables in locked rooms and mulled over the dreadful problem. Day after day, the entire population of that country wondered who might rule next and what fresh injustices that rule might bring upon their heads.
Nobody ever knew – or perhaps they chose not to remember – who said it first, or when. But somebody, somewhere, said, “The old king has been a much better king since he died...”
Before too long, people were repeating this idea in the streets and in the taverns. And it was quick to reach the ears of courtiers and advisers, then. There were soon mutterings in the palace itself. “It is true”, they said, “A dead king is a good king. After all, none of us have been condemned and beheaded since the old king died”.
Even the smallest seed may put down roots, and then grow into a tall tree. It's the same with an idea. Once the most powerful nobles in the kingdom started to consider the thought, the tree began to blossom and sprout new growth.
A meeting was convened. All agreed that the recent king was no longer a candidate for the throne. His body had been cremated with some haste, as if that would exorcise the memory of his evil deeds. Some other dead man had to be found to fill the role.
“What about the Duke of Orkazi? He had the right bloodline.”
There was much shaking of heads. “The Duke of Orkazi was always a fool and a wastrel, we can expect nothing more of him even though he is dead”.
“Vaska the Impeccable, then?”
“No, oh dear no. Vaska was always too perfect, and demanded perfection from others. We can't have that nonsense...”
Around and around, the discussion went. For many hours, then days, then weeks, various dead aristocrats were put forward, and then dismissed for one reason or another. Until, at last, there were no more aristocrats left to consider.
At that moment, when it seemed as if all hope of a resolution was gone, the clerk who was sitting to one side of the room taking notes suddenly spoke, his voice rather overloud in the otherwise silent chamber.
“I have an idea”, he said.
All the noble heads in the kingdom turned as one to stare at this lowly civil servant who had dared to speak out.
The clerk cleared his throat, and went on. “If there are no dead men of aristocratic birth who you can agree on, you could appoint someone of a lower class. The ordinary people would feel they are included as part of the kingdom, at last, and that can only increase their sense of belonging and loyalty. While a king from a lower class would have proper respect for you fine noblemen and would not cause you any trouble”.
There was some bickering and doubt, but after an hour or two of further discussion the nobles and the advisers all agreed that this was, in fact, an excellent solution – as long as nobody ever learned that the nobles and advisers had not thought of it themselves. It did not even matter so much who was placed on the throne. The clerk was sent to find a record of the most recent deaths in the kingdom. The man they chose was a bootmaker named Enko, who had died that very morning. Soldiers were sent in haste to secure the bootmaker's corpse while it was still quite fresh.
Then the finest surgeons and undertakers in the land were employed to embalm and preserve the body. As quickly as possible, King Enko was crowned and then placed on his throne in the royal palace. There was much celebration. King Enko's rule turned out to be the best that anyone in the kingdom could recall. And the truth is that if the kingdom still stands, then he must be ruling still.
Philip Kane
Philip Kane (by Grace Sanchez)
Philip Kane is an award-winning poet, author, storyteller and artist, living in the south-eastern corner of England. He is an “Old Craft” practitioner, a supporter of Anti-Capitalist Resistance, and a founding member of the London Surrealist Group. Philip's work has been published and exhibited across Europe, in the Middle East and in the USA. He is a contributor to The Gorgon's Guide to Magical Resistance (Revelore Press, 2022).